New Start but not fully a new me.

Hey,
So this is a start of alot of things. :) first of all a little about me. My name is Sarah

I am 22 yrs old and recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering but its still somthing I struggle with every single day. Its somthing I cant run from, The truth is it IS a disease. When I was young i was the most care free, fun loving spirit you would have ever met. Everything was an adventure.
I would give anything to go back to that mentallity but I know its impossible. I just hope one day to be close. Things started when  I was nine years old, at least that was the first time i took a look at myself and didnt like what I saw. One comment from one stupid person can change your world in just a few seconds.

let me just give you a small example of something that happened a few weeks ago.
sweat, beading down my face. I am sitting down on the floor, sweat and tears running down my face. Wrappers were surrounding me. I had just consumed two medium size pizzas, three chocolate bars, two oranges and a 2 liter of Dr pepper.
Just then panick struck me like a frieght train. I felt like a was filling up the room with my fatness. I had to get this out. I tried so hard to resist, I put a movie on and sat down trying to do homework but sadness starting turning into pain. I noticed my legs jiggling back and forth in panick. Deep breaths deep breaths but I still could feel everything I ate, almost like it was a thousand bugs crawling over my skin. ENOUGH
I stood up and ran to the bathroom getting ready to start a familiar and awful routine. I got a couple towels out and pulled my hair back. sweating hard and leaned over the toilet and "got rid of" all i just ate. Crying at my failure I cleaned up, scrubbing the toilet, wiping up splashes and drinking some water. The worst part is I am going to have to admit my failure to the man I love.
Not only have I just wasted money we didnt have, but i let my fears get the best of me.
this is one of my better weeks and I am tired of keeping these dark fears and secrets to myself.
please comment and let me know what you think. all negativity will be deleted but support and love