Wednesday, February 9, 2011

New Start but not fully a new me.

So this is a start of alot of things. :) first of all a little about me. My name is Sarah

I am 22 yrs old and recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering but its still somthing I struggle with every single day. Its somthing I cant run from, The truth is it IS a disease. When I was young i was the most care free, fun loving spirit you would have ever met. Everything was an adventure.
I would give anything to go back to that mentallity but I know its impossible. I just hope one day to be close. Things started when  I was nine years old, at least that was the first time i took a look at myself and didnt like what I saw. One comment from one stupid person can change your world in just a few seconds.

let me just give you a small example of something that happened a few weeks ago.
sweat, beading down my face. I am sitting down on the floor, sweat and tears running down my face. Wrappers were surrounding me. I had just consumed two medium size pizzas, three chocolate bars, two oranges and a 2 liter of Dr pepper.
Just then panick struck me like a frieght train. I felt like a was filling up the room with my fatness. I had to get this out. I tried so hard to resist, I put a movie on and sat down trying to do homework but sadness starting turning into pain. I noticed my legs jiggling back and forth in panick. Deep breaths deep breaths but I still could feel everything I ate, almost like it was a thousand bugs crawling over my skin. ENOUGH
I stood up and ran to the bathroom getting ready to start a familiar and awful routine. I got a couple towels out and pulled my hair back. sweating hard and leaned over the toilet and "got rid of" all i just ate. Crying at my failure I cleaned up, scrubbing the toilet, wiping up splashes and drinking some water. The worst part is I am going to have to admit my failure to the man I love.
Not only have I just wasted money we didnt have, but i let my fears get the best of me.
this is one of my better weeks and I am tired of keeping these dark fears and secrets to myself.
please comment and let me know what you think. all negativity will be deleted but support and love


  1. Love ya Sarah.. It was a big deal for you to write this. I am proud of you. If you need anything let me know! Love ya.

  2. Sarah, you are an amazing girl ! I love you and know you can do anything you put your mind towards. If you ever need anything, just let me know. And remember...if you need me call me no matter where you are, no matter how far ;) hehe. Love love love!

  3. who are you singingsaprano? is that Lindsey?