Monday, March 21, 2011

A chance at a new start :)

Hey guys!
well things have recently become crazy, health-wise and mentally wise. Sooo I am taking a 20 day break from school and going back to work tomorrow but I am not working very much. I have so much pain in my neck and back and I am pretty sad and have severe migraines. Thus I need to get things fixed.
1. Dr Visits and therapy
2. Clean house
3. Get into shape- my anxiety prevents me from seeing friends or family
4. Be better

I need so support and love!
please comment and subscribe

Monday, March 7, 2011

~Don't say you know me, when I don't even know myself.

Hey everyone,
well I was in the ER yesterday, Pneumonia . . . . . . . yay me. Its always one thing after another. Its another sad perk with me, I am a twin so my immune system has always been bad. Also with being an ed patient it damaged more of my immune system.  (the top pic is a drawing I made a long time ago, it was a self portrait)
you can see the turmoil in it. I still love it but i cant wait to redraw a self portrait.
On a good note I am down 4 pounds. My brothers and sister ran a 5k, I AM SO PROUD and jealous. Last summer i could of ran with them and been great. Now i cant even run a mile. Zac and I have a new goal before july, we want to get back in shape the healthy way. Now if only i can get better so I can start working out.
I want to post more but i want more subscribers or followers. Please add me as a friend or follow!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

It is often hard to bear the tears that we ourselves have caused.

me at a healthy weight, 121


            So Comeing out about my eating disorders has had up's and downs. So many want to know when it started when I was 9. I had started writing a book and this is just a clip of it.

I remember running, feeling the rush of losing my breath and my feet hit the concrete, glancing back behind me I see my twin brother Steven red and mad that I was beating him. We were running to the pool, it was our safe haven, our place where we could make believe and just be kids. I jumped over a small hedge and waved to the neighbors. My skin was glowing from the sun and I could smell the fresh cut grass of summer.
I won! I raced threw the gate entrance, finding a chair to throw my towel down, slip off my sandles and undress to my swimsuit under my clothes.
Ouch! Steven had just punched me in the arm,
“why do you always make things a race” He said
“because I always win, I am just the better twin I guess” Shrugging and smiling to myself , I headed to the diving bored.
“Not Fair” Steven shouted “I wanted to go first”
I smiled, stuck out my tongue and performed a perfect dive. Steven and I have been swimming at this pool since we were five. Being a nine year old now I felt so grown up and mature. I was queen of the world standing on that bored every time. If someone bullied me I would stand up for myself and beat boys up. I was one of a kind back than.
Then It happened, Her, Linda. Linda moved into the house right next door. I remember playing in the front yard, four square with my brother, When the mom came over and introduced herself. She asks me what our names were and how old we were. When we answered, she smiled with excitement explaining she had a daughter just a couple of months younger than us.
As we continued to play our game I hear a small whisper behind me.
“hello” I turned around and absorbed in the new girl. She was the same height as me, short hair to her shoulders in a bob cut, a little thicker in size but she had a friendly smile. What I didn't know is that one day this one girl would start a downward spiral for me, in several cases I have almost lost my life.

Now some pitures of the many weight changes and for once I am posting some pictures with my face, A few I didnt take with my face in it but thats ok.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Painting and dieting.....

Hello out there. :)
So i was up to 192, then went down to 186 all naturally. I have started taking a mild diet pill and working out, Making better choices in eating too. I must admit it is harder than I could have ever imagined. My disease tricks my brain into thinking the easy way is the indulge in anorexia and bulimia. I also lose weight alot faster. This time I wont do it, or at least try as hard as i can not too. Zac has been giving me the best support. What is awesome too is I am going to family reunion in July to Vegas and my goal is to be toned and down to 130. then My ultimate goal is 120. Zac and I woke up a six this morning, ugh but at least I got to work out and write in my blog today. 
so I was just looking for a piece of gum in my purse and it made me sad that I found laxatives....ugh to see things like that you feel powerless to your disease. I have struggled with all this since I was 13 and it has just gotten worse over the years. I feel awful that not one person ever caught on with my constant weight changes and illnesses. It also messed with me in the head where I am on anti depressants and anti anxiety medicine. 
Now being 22 I want to be as honest as I can, no more secrets, I have almost died to many times. 
Lots of love

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines day..... back to skinny jeans...

So yesterday, Zac bought a scale.... 190.4 Never in my life have I weighed this much. Depression has set in but I am trying to stay positive by watching an old favorite, season one of 3rd Rock from the sun. It has always made me laugh. The most I ever weighed was 170. I was so upset that I didn't go to school...and I wasn't ready for a test today, I am gonna make it up tomorrow morning. ACK, OK so I have been staring at the screen for ten minutes in just chaos trying to write how I feel. I want to just crawl back into bed and stay there for the rest of the day, but I have to go to work at 5. My brain hurts.  I have decided to skip lunch today, and then have a light dinner before work. I hate work only because it feeds into my disease, the people are really nice though. The worst part is I want to order a pizza. I eat when I am stressed, hell I eat anytime I am upset, so honestly alot.  I hate it, food is not like any other have to eat to live, you cant just quit cold turkey. 
I used to go by these everyday......its sad really...but it must be shared.
1. If you aren't thin you aren't attractive. 
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy.
3. You must buy clothes, cut your hair, take laxatives, starve yourself, do anything to make yourself look thinner. 
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty. 
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards.
6. Thou shall count calories and restrict intake accordingly.
7. What the scale says is the most important thing. 
8. Losing weight is good/ gaining weight is bad. 
9. You can never be too thin. 
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will power and success.

Saturday, February 12, 2011


So I am not gonna lie, right now I am very confused and upset. so last night for valentines day we went out. Of course it was a treat so I ate ALOT, then later on in the night i started eating on snacky things. I admit My control has been awful lately but I have been trying not to purge, but my binge button is still going. So needless to say I have been eating to much. My boyfriend last night said something out of concern but All I heard was your getting fat and I dont like it. It made me feel ugly and huge. My emotional state is so shattered right now. All i want to do is eat, eat, work out, eat eat, throw up, eat and sleep. 
I know that this is a bad old habit that in the past has made me very thin, but thats not what I need right now. It consumes you and rots away all your good thoughts and happiness. When I first met zac for the first time I didn't care at all how big I was because I was in love and happy. I still am in love with zac but now I am aware how I have changed in size and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I loved being 115lbs now at 190 i cant bear my reflection.

Old pictures but it shows how gorgeous I was. Not any more....

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

New Start but not fully a new me.

So this is a start of alot of things. :) first of all a little about me. My name is Sarah

I am 22 yrs old and recovering from an eating disorder. I say recovering but its still somthing I struggle with every single day. Its somthing I cant run from, The truth is it IS a disease. When I was young i was the most care free, fun loving spirit you would have ever met. Everything was an adventure.
I would give anything to go back to that mentallity but I know its impossible. I just hope one day to be close. Things started when  I was nine years old, at least that was the first time i took a look at myself and didnt like what I saw. One comment from one stupid person can change your world in just a few seconds.

let me just give you a small example of something that happened a few weeks ago.
sweat, beading down my face. I am sitting down on the floor, sweat and tears running down my face. Wrappers were surrounding me. I had just consumed two medium size pizzas, three chocolate bars, two oranges and a 2 liter of Dr pepper.
Just then panick struck me like a frieght train. I felt like a was filling up the room with my fatness. I had to get this out. I tried so hard to resist, I put a movie on and sat down trying to do homework but sadness starting turning into pain. I noticed my legs jiggling back and forth in panick. Deep breaths deep breaths but I still could feel everything I ate, almost like it was a thousand bugs crawling over my skin. ENOUGH
I stood up and ran to the bathroom getting ready to start a familiar and awful routine. I got a couple towels out and pulled my hair back. sweating hard and leaned over the toilet and "got rid of" all i just ate. Crying at my failure I cleaned up, scrubbing the toilet, wiping up splashes and drinking some water. The worst part is I am going to have to admit my failure to the man I love.
Not only have I just wasted money we didnt have, but i let my fears get the best of me.
this is one of my better weeks and I am tired of keeping these dark fears and secrets to myself.
please comment and let me know what you think. all negativity will be deleted but support and love